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There are many things I love about my daughter getting a bit older. She’s 10 years old now and starting to take an interest in fashion. As she develops her own personal style, she’s starting to enjoy looking for items that allow her to put her personality out there. She is fun to be with and hilarious to talk with. I’m excited that she’s not only my daughter, but now also my friend. Gone are the days when I had to bend down to hold her hand. Soon I’ll be looking up to talk with her! She was a tiny little preemie, not much bigger than an American Girl doll, and it is hard to believe that she’s as tall as I am.
She’s growing in other ways, too. Her shoe size is bigger than mine and we are shopping in new stores for clothes! She worries about the fact that she isn’t a tiny 10 year old and, let’s face it, sometimes kids at school are mean. She can’t wear the crop tops or skinny jeans from Justice, but that’s okay. She’s a healthy, active girl who swims for hours every day and can ride her bike faster than Flash. We’ve never encouraged her to lose weight or be thinner. In fact, I prefer that she’s a little more robust because it seems to help her recuperate when she catches a cold or stomach bug; I’ve seen kids who lost a lot of weight when they’re sick and it makes it hard for them to recover. I was thin all my life until I had my kids. After gaining over 60 pounds post-pregnancy then taking steroids and other medications for health issues, my body just hasn’t bounced back. After my son was born, my mom made a comment about my fat *** that broke my heart in two. It wasn’t the first time she said something like that, but it hurt the worst. Going through that made me promise myself not to make my daughter feel self-conscious about her weight or body. I’m not worried about diabetes or heart disease; that’s another issue. Right now I want her to get through her teen years knowing that she’s beautiful in so many ways.
Now that “cool” stores like Modcloth have a full-range fashion store that offers plus-size clothing along with smaller sizes, it really takes away that stigma. Remember seeing the “husky” section in the stores as a kid? These days it’s not necessary to shop at a separate store and that makes things so much better. But then my plan backfired. Oh, what I wish I’d never said to my daughter. Actually, I’ve probably done it many times but it’s the first time I realized what I was doing.
A few days ago, I wore a new dress that my mom gave me. When mom gave it to me, she made the comment that it was way too big for her so she thought it would fit me. Not a very thinly veiled insult but I truly don’t think she realizes the weight of what she says. Anyway, I was very concerned about how I looked in the dress. When I walked out to the kitchen, my little girl commented, “Oh, that’s pretty!” Immediately I felt nervous about it and asked, “You don’t think it makes me look fat?” all the while trying to smooth my stomach and make sure my butt was tucked in. She assured me that it didn’t but then I realized what I had done. Instead of insulting her about weight, I insulted myself. I put that seed in her mind and watered it with my own complex. I wish I’d never said that to my daughter but it’s too late. Now it’s my job to pull that weed out and build her up with love, positivity, and the reminder that she’s a strong woman-to-be on the inside as well as the outside.
I am sorry she said that to you, that is hard to hear for sure. My mom never built me up, she always broke me down, and it still is with me and I suffer from insecurities. I think it is great that you are raising your daughter and letting her see your love and being her biggest cheerleader!!!
Thanks for your kind words. Those words from the people we love can really cut deep, huh?
Aww, hugs to you mom! I think instead of feeling bad, you should feel happy that you are sensitive to how words can impact, because that means you care about the thought you put into what you say and as a result, your daughter is going to get a great example from you. Every moment and word can’t be perfect.
You made me feel better. Thanks! I do try to be a good example for her.
Oh I am so sorry. Those words are hurtful. But good for your daughter: she is your fan
Yes, she is my fan. It’s an honor to be her mom. She’s a great person!
Interesting. I am not skinny by any means as well, and I think it’s great that “the popular” stores now have plus-size sections.
I agree – it’s so nice to walk into a store and realize that there are clothes for women of any shape/size!
I think all of us say things to our kids that we said wrong or shouldn’t have said. I have not heard of this store, I will have to check it out!
Part of being a mom, right?
I read an article awhile ago (back in December I think) about how our girls pick up on every negative thing we say about ourselves, and end up talking about themselves that way. While I don’t have kids, that totally resonated with me, and now I make a conscious effort to really be positive about myself around my nieces. I think we all say things we shouldn’t say in front of kids (I’m guilty of using way too much profanity), but perhaps your daughter is now old enough that you can talk to her about body image and how being positive about herself and loving herself is important, but that we still all have bad days. Starting that talk while she’s a little on the younger side may be better than waiting until she’s crying into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s on college spring break.
You’re right because that time WILL go by fast! Yikes, college spring break……
That positive self-talk is huge.
I think the fact that you immediately realized that you wished you had said something different says a lot. Being fully aware of the impact we have on our girls is the first step to being great role models. Sounds like you are doing fine!
Thanks Tina!
Hugs to you! I think we have all been there at some point or another. I think you are a great model and you are doing a wonderful job!
Mel, you made me smile. I love reading your FB updates because you really celebrate your kids. Thanks for the encouragement!
What a great way to take a kind of biting circumstance and turn it into positivity for your daughter! My mother was not always so caring with what she said, and I always took every word to heart.
Jenna – I think you are an AMAZING person. Thanks for your positive thoughts. It really does hit home with me, especially coming from you!
I’m so sorry for those comments. We are all different sizes, shapes… That’s why there are different size clothes and different styles. Beauty is not measured by weight and real beauty can’t be weighed or measured at all. It’s wonderful how close you are with your daughter and how enlightened you are to realize the comments you make about you also affect the way she sees herself.
Sherry, I need to adopt you! You always have kind words to say.
It is a shame that some people don’t think before they speak. It is nice though that it is making you think about ways to change too.
I’m totally guilty of saying harsh words to my mom, too, so I probably deserved everything she said. Plus some.
Yeah. I am with you – I grew up with a class of Russian ballerinas and considered fat even so I wasn’t
Ohhh…. that’s no fun. Anytime we’re compared to other people there’s bound to be some fallen expectations in there! Sorry for that Lena.
I’m so sad that women and girls have to constantly battle with how they look and feel because of weight. I don’t think it will ever change 🙁
Good for you though being aware of what you say around your daughter. I try to do the same and not talk about it in front of her. She’s only 2 but she listens and observes everything.
I had a friend whose mother was the same way – she shook her off, but I know it hurt her. As for your daughter – I wore a women’s size 10 shoes and clothing when I was 10 years old. I hit 6′ tall in middle school, which was difficult, but I had the last laugh. I modeled in my 20s, and my height was praised!
There are a million things that we can say wrong and its good that you noticed what you were doing. I gave up perfection though and now focus on making sure I say lots of positive things and show lots of love. I’m always goung to make mistakes but if they know how much I love them, I think it will be okay.
I can totally relate to this. I am a low-maintenance mama and I asked my fiance if he thought it was negatively affecting my 6-year-old daughter. I don’t think I’m disgusting, but I’m definitely struggling with self-esteem issues after having her little brother last year. It’s hard to model that, but we should be aware of how we reflect ourselves to our daughters because they are totally watching.
You know, my husband’s family insults him regularly over his weight and it hurts to watch it happen…I’m so very sorry that you went through that. But I think that you’re making a conscious effort to keep weight a healthy (and not a hurtful) thing, and maintaining a positive attitude. Hang in there – you’re doing a good job mama!
Good for you for making an effort to respect your daughter, no matter her size or shape. I don’t know why society tries to trick us into thinking that THOSE things define who we are! I have made some of the same mistakes of insulting myself in front of my daughter. My little girl is 9. One time I was about to leave for a girl’s luncheon and asked my daughter if I looked alright, and she said, “Yes, but it doesn’t really matter. The way you look shouldn’t matter to anyone!” She really humbled me and made me realize that I think I’m doing this parenting thing okay!! 🙂
Wow, mama! You must be proud, your daughter has a great outlook on life.
People can be so insensitive. Especially when considering how the words stick with us. I think it is important to realize how those types of words could impact your own daughter. Good for you for respecting your daughter by teaching her to respect herself!
This is SO hard! I have a son, but even around my son I try not to talk about my weight. It’s hard though since I’m not happy with my current weight/figure. Hubs and I just decided that since both of us could stand to be healthier, that we’re going to work together to shed some pounds and be healthy. Our focus is health, not weight, we’re hoping this rubs off on our son.
Aww. Words can mean so much. We all say things to our kids and immediately regret it and I’m guilty of it, too. Sometimes they can lead to deep, meaningful conversations.
Tough to filter everything that comes out of our mouths. Great that you realized it!
What a great reminder of how everything we say leaves an impression on our children. My daughter is two and people always tell her how pretty she is; I always try to follow it up with “and smart”. Just wanting to reinforce that there is more to her than a pretty face.
I have caught myself doing this too and it really does make you think ” I shouldn’t have said that”.
We have to be very careful about what we say to our kids or anyone in our life and how we say it. Sometimes things are said and taken in the wrong context. Just keep encouraging her and things will be ok
It’s so good that you are aware how damaging effects of a mom insulting herself can be. My mom never judged my appearances or ever acted like I was anything less than beautiful and yet when she would complain about how fat she was in her size 8 pants I had no chose but to feel insecure in my plus size body. Teaching get our daughters to love themselves starts with loving ourselves. 🙂